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Needless to say, I didn’t engage in any dancing, or anything of the sort.

We hung around and talked to people, got our picture taken, and left. Hank had made arrangements to gain access to a fishing cabin(!

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And I think I still had my paper route at the time.

I barely remember the prom itself, it was just a bunch people walking around in uncomfortable clothes, trying to be sophisticated.

But Hank and Brenda kept pushing me to do it, and lobbying to beat the band. And even though it was all set-up in advance — she knew I was going to ask her, and I knew she was going to accept — I was nervous as hell.

I probably had a matching pair of serving tray-sized sweat stains. My mother informed me I was also expected to present my date with some sort of flower deal that attached to her wrist. Why would a person want to wear a bowling brace constructed of roses? Hank and I also made arrangements to lay in a large amount of red wine (fancy!

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So, the four of us went there, and immediately broke into that rotgut wine we’d purchased.

He was wearing nothing but his white tux pants, no shirt or shoes. Let’s just say I left that house of urine a changed “man.” The prom committee had rented a movie theater in Charleston for the night, and we decided to leave our cabin at two in the morning, or whatever, and see what was showing.

It was something incredibly boring, starring Alan Alda (wtf? Everybody was throwing shit in there, booing, and raising hell. If you have any stories to tell, use the comments link below.

Shockingly enough, she said she’d LOVE to go to the prom with me, and seemed genuinely excited by the prospect. So, Hank and I went to the tux store and ordered our hideous 1981-era formal wear. ) for the evening, and have it properly chilled, etc. Between the day I asked Kelly to the prom, and the dance itself, we went out a few times. And she was great; there was no discernible psychosis, or anything of the sort. I picked her up in my parents’ white Monte Carlo (I can’t remember people renting limos in those days, but what do I know about it?

), her mother took a million pictures, and we followed Hank and Brenda to the restaurant we’d chosen for dinner.

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